He is gone

One day after I wrote my last post. God required my request. Oppa and I had a big argument. I caught him cheating on me. 

LIAR! One word that I really want to shout to him finally happened. I was furious, mad, sad but then I remembered my last post and suddenly it felt like God opened my eyes, heard my pray and granted my wish.

Today is 2 months after a big fight with him. And I start missing him again. i dont want it but I cant!

I want to hate him, but i cant. I want to stop knowing him but I cant. I know he is not worth it at all but I cant

God, please make me capable to forget him, hate him, throw away him. Please God. 

My heart is hurt, empty. I dont know what I am feeling.  Lonely and dull. 

 but

I want to be happy.

Destiny?

In my pray, I always wish " if he is the one please make him closer to me, if he is not just throw away!

In my last post, I wrote so many stories about oppa. The up and down situation between us, happiness, sadness, etc. We passed all that stages. Sometime in one point I feel "it is over! I am done with him" Then he is back, we are back. 

The longest time we keep away from each other is a month, before that we only stand in 10 days. Now, I always miss him even in a day! How come?

I realized, we can't make it. This relationship is impossible. There are so many boundaries between us. But I can't stop my heart to miss him, I can't stop my brain to think about him. Please help me.........

God, if he is the one please give me a sign. If he is not please make him hate me. I can't hold it alone. 

But God, if it is impossible why he always back to, why he always tries to attach with me. WHY?

I know someone has a crush on me, he is better than oppa in any ways. But i can't fool my heart and I don't want to hurt someone heart.

God, I am wishing I have my own family; husband, son and daughter, and cats maybe. 

God, I know you heard my pray. Please let me know who is the one for me.

 

He is Back

Well, after a month in "cold war state" oppa texted me again. He said "Eid Adha Mubarak"

I tried to respond nicely. Even I had mixed feelings in that moment. I was happy, but I was traumatic in the same time. I don't want to be a silly girl, who is always hurt by the same guy.

I have tried to make a boundary. I have forced myself, don't get to attach to him and then fall deeper in the same place. 

He knows, I have changed. 

In the beginning, the are awkward moments between us. He has tried to approach me again. Sending wrong message, his meal picture, an updated news link, etc. His efforts make me melt. I can't stand with it. Imagine, how stressful he is due to stage 4 lock-down in his city,  jobless and lonely (actually, I don't really know his situation, maybe I am being dramatic).

Rizkia, please be nice to your heart. You know, there are many nice guys out there, better than him. Please be brave, be cool and let him know how precious you are.

OPPA?!?!?!?

OPPA.....

Hmmm.....finally I have a real oppa. But, wait! He is not real either...... yeaah maybe half real  hahahahaha.....

My oppa is an ordinary guy. He is my friend's friend. I met him in 2017 when I was in Melbourne. In addition, i was in Melbourne because I had an exclusive task from my institution (muehehehehe) Anyway, I was joined in program called analyst exchange. The main goal from this program was to solve people smuggling cases. I worked with analyst from Australia and Malaysia. It was like trilateral task force and I felt blessed because I had the opportunity to join the program.

In sum, when I was in Melbourne, my best friend was studying in University of Melbourne too. So, I had a small reunion with her.  She became my private tour guide. One day, she introduced me to her friend. He is her classmate. He is persian, and he is handsome hahahahahahaha...... I was in love at the first sight. How can I not like him? He is my type : wearing glasses, tall, clean, neat. PERFECT!

My last day in Melbourne, i spent with oppa. He accompanied me to go to Brighton beach. FYI : my ultimate wish when in Melbourne to visit Brighton beach and oppa made my wish come true. I had a beautiful day and I was happy. When I returned to Jakarta, I did not have feeling that this relationship would go further. But..........Suddenly, he texted me one day after I landed Jakarta. I was so surprised. I never imagined he would contact me again. Then start from that day our relationship grew deeper and deeper and lasted up to 3 years. 

FYI, I have never had a boyfriend. Even he was not my "real" boyfriend but finally I knew how to be a girlfriend hahahahaha....How to involved in up and down relationship, jealous, patient,  and all those feeling made me learn how to handle someone else.  

Now, our relationship is in "cold war state". He disappointed me. Even I mad with him, but I feel blessed knowing him. He taught me many things. The important thing is he is one of the reasons why I want to learn English intensively. 

To Oppa, thanks for everything you have done for me. I know our relationship doesn't have a clear future so I hope you will find your happiness. I hope you will succeed in your life  and all your dreams will come true even if is not with me. ^^

2020

Hi......!

Back again with me in 2020.


Whoooaahh......it has been 4 years since my last update.

Anyway, i have so many things to talk about.

First, you know what in 2020 world is in quarantine! It is an unusual experience for me and for the entire people in this planet.  Let's i explain about this virus. So, there is a virus named covid-19, and this virus is really contagious. Well, I will explain in detail in another update!^^

Second, the main reason why i want to write a blog again is i'm going to UK!!! Can you believe it? Yeah, i will study in University of Leeds, Next Year.....hmmm actually my study should be started this September but due to covid-19 it is postponed until January 2021.
It is like a miracle for me. I mean, you know me well right. My English is terrible. I'm not confident to talk, to write or even to study in English! But, here I am! Woahhhhh....... And i start nervously.

It all began in 2018, when i got rejected from LPDP. I applied for Magister of Accounting in UI but i didn't pass the test. Then, i felt depressed and angry. Lucky me, this negative feeling became a passion. This passion dragged me to pursue something beyond my imagination, STUDY ABROAD! I wanted to take a revenge to LPDP because he rejected me to study in Indo so i want to study outside Indo...hahahaa.......childish.

And then all the entire world suddenly helped me to follow my goal (MESTAKUNG = semesta mendukung).  I passed my IELTS test in second try after I had been studying hard for 6 months.  Then, my company had MoU with LPDP therefore we had quota for 10 persons. I passed the test, I got an unconditional offer for some universities. Everything was going smooth.

Now, here I am now. Preparing my study for next year. I still can't believe with what i have done so far. I hope world will help me once again. I hope my study will going well, I can graduate on time and the most important thing is i can experience  new country, new culture, new world and i hope it will make me become better person. Aaamin.

Last but not least. I want to thank God because I believe everything is going his control. Thanks to my mom, my family, my friends and my oppa. I owe you a lot.

Wish me luck!! Bismilah.......

*if you notice that i mention about oppa, so i will talk about him later........^^